By now I’m sure you’ve all heard about the RFID (Radio Frequency Identification) chip. My puppy has an RFID chip. I’m glad he does because if he gets lost, he’ll be easier to find. RFID chips are used elsewhere as well. Right now, if you use EZPass going through a toll booth, you’re using an RFID chip. If you are using your Exxon-Mobil SpeedPass at the gas pump, you’re using an RFID chip. The GAP sells Jeans with RFID chips embedded in them (you’ll never know they’re there; they’re part of the product). Some sneakers have them as well. And that’s where things get hairy (and creepy). Unlike the bar codes on the products you buy at stores, it’s possible for you to continue being tracked in your jeans and sneakers. The RFID chip doesn’t die at the door like a bar code.  We’ve been hearing about some kind of national identification system utilizing RFID chips since the events of September 11, 2001. That’s even more hairy and creepy. I don’t like that idea. We’ve already lost way too many civil rights because of 9/11.

One company, Applied Digital Solutions, has created an RFID chip for human beings called the VeriChip. It’s 11mm wide, is implanted under the skin, and can be read from four feet away. ADS sells it as a great way to track wandering Alzheimers patients and people with other medical disabilities. That moves beyond creepy because it opens positively Orwellian possibilities. But the Crazy Christians have taken it one step further from Orwell. Yes, sir. I’ve just received a pamphlet from someone (who found it on her car) that says the RFID chip is the Mark of the Beast. Yes. It’s Satanic.

I’m convinced that they’ve confused Orwell’s 1984 with the Bible. Hey, I don’t like the RFID chip any more than they do, but I’m pretty sure Satan (whomever the hell he is) has other things on his mind. Like stealing your soul and stuff like that. I don’t think an RFID chip was on his To Do List. Besides, he may not be as powerful as God, but he’s pretty powerful. I don’t think he needs an RFID chip to know where you are. Know what I mean?

I agree with a lot of things that the pamphlet says, of course. I agree that the driving force in development of the RFID chip is the notion that we’ll live safer, easier and more enjoyable lives by using technology to manage everyday aspects of daily life. That seems reasonable. I agree that there will be an invasion of privacy. That’s why I’m against RFID to begin with. Then, they get to point number three:

A charismatic leader, who is the Anti-Christ, will rule the whole world through a system that is interconnected and interdependent. 

Here, I’ve moved into the smirk zone. It’s the whole Anti-Christ thing. One YouTube site even says the Anti-Christ is Barack Obama. WTF? I mean, I haven’t been thrilled with his performance as the leader of the free world, but I had no fucking idea he was the Anti-Christ. Further on, they reference Revelation 14:9, 14:11 and 16:2. Here’s what comes next:

1. Accepting this mark (somehow they’ve now translated the RFID chip into a “mark”) is the irreversible act of selling your soul to Satan. This sin is unforgivable and cannot be reversed by removing the mark (Rev. 14:9-11). Your soul belongs to God. Therefore, if you receive this mark, you then belong to Satan.

2. If you receive this mark, you are willfully placing your faith in man and not in God. You are actively choosing to live without a loving God who desires to spend eternity with you in Heaven. God does not want you choosing Hell’s path. 

I’m thinking we pretty much better stop shopping. Those GAP jeans are sucking the life right out of our souls even as we speak. What with all that back-to-school shopping, I’m thinking that my daughter is pretty much lost at this point. I’m going to check on her tonight to see if her eyes are glowing red or if her head is spinning around in a 360-degree turn like Linda Blair’s. When you get to page two of this pamphlet, you get to the heart of the message.

Have I received Jesus as my personal savior? I haven’t. So, I’m screwed. Apparently, it doesn’t matter if I don’t like or accept the RFID chip if I don’t receive Jesus as my personal savior. If I reject the RFID chip, it’s meaningless without that. I’m doomed anyway. They want me to wake the fuck up. Here’s what I’m supposed to say:

“I’ve lived my life not knowing you, Jesus, but I am thankful that you love me. Please forgive me, for in the past I did not know you. But starting now, I truly want to know you, love you, and serve you God.” 

Don’t you really have to mean those words? You can’t just say them. My mother used to warn me that I couldn’t say I was sorry if I didn’t mean it. When I was a kid she told me that if I promised her I wouldn’t do something again, and then went ahead and did it, I was lying and she’d hit me with a frying pan. (She wasn’t kidding either.)

Then, comes the scary part. That’s the headline that reads:

Jesus is coming soon. Prepare for the Rapture.

I don’t know. The Rapture (scheduled for May 21, 2011) and proverbial end of the freakin’ world (scheduled for October 21, 2011) has already been scheduled three or four times this year, and it hasn’t happened. Maybe we missed it because Jesus didn’t use an RFID chip and we don’t know where He landed. (Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that he was coming in a space ship or anything.) I wish they’d be more accurate with these dates. I don’t want to leave water boiling on the stove when it happens. It could be dangerous.

The pamphlet even warns us that if we’ve missed The Rapture and get left behind for The Great Tribulation (don’t you just love these terms?), we must not receive the RFID chip because it bears Satan’s name. We must refuse it, even though we will be tortured and killed. (I think they’re going to leave Dick Cheney behind with his waterboarding implements.) There’s hope, though. Because if we remain faithful and refuse that chip, we’ll be able to enter Heaven. Phew! I was stressing out about that. They don’t use RFID chips in heaven, by the way. That’s what I’m told.

Want to know what I’m really afraid of? I’m really afraid of being left behind here with these crazy-ass Christians after the Rapture. That’s what I’m afraid of. I mean, seriously? These whack-jobs can find a way to bring the Bible into everything. They take the most frightening phrases out of context and apply them to world events. Some of these things don’t even match up. Just go and take a trip through YouTube. There are tons of these fear-mongering videos with scary Satanic backgrounds. And there are plenty of Christians commenting on these videos, giving us dire warnings of things to come, spewing out Biblical phrases. Want to know what I notice about these people? They can’t spell for shit. But that doesn’t matter because, hey, at the end of time nobody needs to know how to spell.

I want to see what happens to these Christians when they find out that God has implanted an RFID chip into them so He’ll know who’s going to be saved.