Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

There are just some things that happen, particularly when election
season heats up, that defy logic. They may not be entirely story worthy, but collectively, these little “events” are big enough to make you wonder WTF people are thinking. It’s been that way for the past several days, and the GOP (Goons on Parade) debate tops the list. So, I’ve decided that every once in a while, I need a column like this. Without further adieu, I begin my State of Confusion.

Simply put, the Republicans are the gift that keeps on giving. And they’re going to keep right on giving until November 2012, but no member of the GOP gives more than Michele Bachmann (aka, Snow White). During the GOP presidential debate this past Saturday night, Bachmann said she wouldn’t hesitate to use waterboarding on suspected terrorist suspects. (I think she was channeling Dick Cheney.) She also noted that President Obama was wrong when he called it “torture.” If that isn’t enough, Bachmann then went ahead and likened the use of waterboarding to President Harry Truman’s decision to drop nukes on Japan to end WWII (and that’s another questionable historical event, I might add).

Calling for actions like waterboarding is what always floors me about “Christians” like Michele Bachmann who, by the way, received a calling from God to run for the presidency. People in America claim allegiance to many “gods” because there’s freedom of religion here (supposedly), but for the sake of argument let’s assume that we’re talking about Michele’s “God.” (You know, the God of fundamentalist Christianity.) There was water and wood in His day. If it was okay, He probably would have used it on His enemies (and He had a few, to say the least). Aside from the fact that it is indeed torture, we should probably remind Michele that experts in the field have pretty much stated that it’s ineffective. It doesn’t produce reliable results. Hell, seriously? I’d pretty much tell people I’m straight (which is a laugh) if it would get them to stop pouring water down my throat while I was strapped to a board.

During the same debate, Herman Cain (I’m taking some liberties here; we’re changing Sneezy to Sleazy), the King of Sexual Harassment, agrees with Michele Bachmann. God told Sleazy to run for president too. Wow! God really wants to win this thing, I guess. He’s covering all His bases. Apparently He knows a winner when He sees one, because for some reason this sleazebag continues to lead the GOP field in the polls. I just have to interject a giant WTF? here: You’ve got to wonder what’s going on the minds of the Republican base. There are now four women who have alleged that Cain is a sexual predator, one who has come forward and told her story publicly. But, of course, as is the case with these things, the woman is being turned into the perp. Americans are seriously stupid, if nothing else. And for the record, we women haven’t come a long way, baby, so it’s a good thing Virginia Slims dropped that slogan.

If you didn’t find this particular GOP debate (which focused on foreign policy) stimulating enough, stick around. The next one will be streamed live from the First Federated Church in Des Moines, Iowa, and is sure to cover God, gays, abortion, religious freedom (and freedom from religion) and just about every other moral issue these fuckwits can touch upon.

While we’re on the subject of religion (I can’t seem to get the hell away from it as hard as I try), it has come to light that the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) has decided to declare all-out war on gay marriage in spite of the fact that Catholics put opposition to gay marriage low on their list of priorities. It doesn’t matter what the flock wants, though. This is not what I’d call a Democratic system, and I’d know because I grew up Catholic. The fact is that these clowns are protecting a sacred sacrament in the name of − dare I say His name again − God. (By the way, did you know that God spelled backwards is Dog?) Can’t say the Catholics haven’t moved themselves into the technological age! The USCCB even has a new web site called “Marriage: Unique for a Reason.”  You’ll have to take a look at it. The image on the masthead makes it looks like Jesus and Mary are having a thing. Isn’t that incest? No matter. Hell, at least it isn’t gay marriage!

And, of course, all the while the leaders of the church are going to war against same-sex marriage, we find out that the Catholic Church’s pedophilia investigator was jailed in England for…you guessed it! PEDOPHILIA!  Yes, Christopher Jarvis was arrested in March of this year while investigating a sex abuse allegation at Fuckfest  Abbey. (Oops, sorry. Slip of the tongue. That’s Buckfast Abbey.) Even better, he has admitted guilt. Investigators found no less than 4,000 images of pre-pubescent boys on his computer, some showing sadism, child rape and torture.

Catholics don’t have to worry, though, because their man in the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI, made some declarations at the end of his Christmas 2010 speech that should put their minds at ease. According to the Pope, “In the 1970s, paedophilia was theorised as something fully in conformity with man and even with children.” Yep. According to him, it wasn’t considered an absolute evil. In fact, it was considered “normal” by society. Are we sure this guy isn’t the head of NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association)?

Of course, this is the pope who has stated that same-sex marriage laws “contribute to the weakening of the principles of natural law,” and who knew about the church’s pedophile scandal prior to becoming pope but did nothing about it. Sounds to me like he should run for president on the GOP ticket. His ability to reason fits right in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Author’s note: For the record, homosexuality is not the underlying reason for pedophilia. In fact, the vast majority of pedophiles are heterosexual. Also, celibacy doesn’t cause pedophilia.

God (here He is again) help me, but I’m going out on limb here by insulting the Penn State students praying at the alter of football god Joe Paterno. We have the Occupy movement out there on the streets finally saying, “Enough is enough.” Enough with the banks. Enough with Wall Street. Enough with tax cuts for the rich. You know, they’re addressing real issues about the destruction of the middle class and the poor, and doing it peacefully for the most part. Their rights are being trampled on by law enforcement every day. And then we have the entitled little fuckwits at Penn State who, apparently think winning football games is more important than the well-being of a 10-year-old who was raped in the shower right under the nose of the legendary Joe Paterno.

These morons took to the streets after Paterno was fired and actually rioted, unlike the members of the Occupy movement. The students overturned a television news truck, tore down two lamp posts (one which fell into a crowd), and threw rocks and fireworks at the police. Why? Because JoePa’s name was tarnished by the university. Really? Let’s talk about the facts of this case so far, because it sounds to me like the only one tarnishing JoePa’s name is Joe Paterno himself.

Jerry Sandusky, the former defensive coordinator under Paterno has been arrested on molestation charges. In 1977, eight years after Sandusky joined Penn State as defensive line coach, he started The Second Mile, a group home dedicated to helping troubled boys, and the apparent supply line to 10 little boys who were the object of his twisted affections. The timeline here will give you all the sordid details of what this guy did (in the locker room of Penn State, no less), but oral sex, rape, and molestation all pretty much fit the bill. This guy was reported to the University police and university officials several times by several people, including the victims’ mothers. The perfunctory answer from the officials was, “we’ll look into it.” Now, are you going to tell me that during the course of “looking into it” they did not speak to Joe Paterno, the man’s immediate supervisor? I think not. But you know what? We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt here (and only here).

In 2002, a Penn State graduate assistant went to Joe Paterno’s house and reported to him that he saw a 10-year-old boy being subjected to anal intercourse by Sandusky in the shower. That’s rape, folks. The next day Joe Paterno reported it to the school. Now, JoePa, apparently has some memory issues because he remembers the grad student making “vague” allegations of “fondling” and “touching,” but he doesn’t remember him talking about “sodomy” or “rape.” Really? Like a grown man fondling and touching a kid is okay? Give me a break. What if it were his grandson being fondled and touched by an adult male?

What could Joe Paterno have done? Well, all you asshat Penn State students, let’s try this: The man is so revered in your school, his word carries so much weight, that he could have (no, should have) gone up as high as he had to go to have Sandusky investigated the minute he had an inkling that something improper was going on. Fondling and touching are not okay here. Perhaps if there had been a real investigation when the oral sex and molestation portion of the program was going on, it may not have moved to rape. And if the administration at Penn State didn’t take it seriously, why didn’t Paterno go to the police? We are talking about children here, children whose lives will never be the same. Jerry Sandusky supposedly rescued them from the streets and then treated them to something hundreds of times worse. That’s nothing short of horrific.

This is what Joe Paterno said after his firing:

“I have been incredibly blessed to spend my entire career working with people I love. I am grateful beyond words to all of the coaches, players and staff who have been a part of this program. And to all of our fans and supporters, my family and I will be forever in your debt.” 

Really, Joe? Perhaps what you could have mentioned was that a terrible crime against innocent, at-risk children is alleged to have happened at Penn State, and a full investigation and, if warranted, punishment is the priority now. Perhaps you could have told your “supporters” (read: the entitled Penn State students) that the game of football is never more important than the well-being of children entrusted to an adult’s care.

Fuck you, Joe Paterno.

And finally, let’s just touch upon the subject of Iran here. Apparently, the U.S. is worried that Israel will not inform President Obama in advance of a pre-emptive strike on Iran. Give me a break. The notion that Israel would do anything without the express consent of the United States is a joke, since we seem to pretty much rubber stamp whatever Israel wants to do under the guise of allowing Israel to “protect itself.” In the meantime, we have two morons one from either side of the aisle weighing in on the subject. First, Mitt Romney, a man who has never served in the military (and neither have his 5 sons, by the way)  called for the U.S. to attack Iran to keep it from getting nuclear weapons. In one of his most pompous statements yet, Romney declared, “If we re-elect Barack Obama, Iran will have a nuclear weapon. And if you elect Mitt Romney, Iran will not have a nuclear weapon.” Simple as that. Simple thoughts from simple minds. How about this, Mitt? If you attack Iran, there will be a firestorm of a confrontation the likes of which has never been seen across the middle east.

On the Democratic side, former senator Evan Bayh, another clueless fuckwit, made an appearance on Fox news stating that the U.S. should attack Iran to prevent Iran from attacking Israel. While Benjamin Netanyahu may be convinced that attacking Iran is the answer to preventing the nation from gaining a nuclear weapons capability, the Israeli military and intelligence community isn’t convinced. Remember the old Domino Principle rationale used to justify going to war against communists? According to that theory, if you don’t put a stop to communism in one country, every surrounding country will go communist. That’s kind of the asshat theory Evan Bayh is using with this whole nuclear weapons and Iran issue. If Iran gets a nuclear weapon, that means that Saudi Arabia will work on nukes, and then every other country in the middle east will go nuclear, touching off an arms race. So, just in case that happens, theorizes Bayh, let’s attack Iran now and put a stop to it.

What has touched off all of this attack Iran talk is an IAEA report that says Iran’s nuclear weapons capability is imminent. Yet, Robert Kelly, a former IAEA inspector says that the report basically recycles old information and is designed to whip the conservatives in the U.S. and Israel into a frenzy…put them into attack mode. Nothing that has been revealed in the report should result in more sanctions or war.

Here comes the cynic in me. Doesn’t this all sound familiar to any of you? Remember Iraq and the WMD, the biological weapons, the purchase of nuclear materials from Niger? Any bells ringing in your heads? Let’s remember that Iran is another oil-rich nation and that we remain addicted to black gold here in America. We’re great with propaganda, particularly when it gets us where we want to go. Remember, as a nation we hold 2% of the world’s oil supply. That’s it. We use far more than what we produce here. “Drill baby drill” isn’t going to feed our addiction, and we refuse to get clean and move to renewable resources. Then, there are those who believe that we are fighting God’s war in the middle east, converting Islam to Christianity. George Bush was convinced that he was on a mission from God when he invaded Iraq. Sarah Palin did too.

Finally, there is the simple fact that war is good business. Hell, what’s one more? We’re in Iraq. We’re in Afghanistan. We’re bombing Pakistan, Somalia and Libya. Let’s add Iran to the list. The defense contractors get rich. Wall Street profits. The 1% get taken care of. Of course, it’s members of the 99% who actually serve in the wars. But who cares? They’re not important.

That’s it for me today. My brain can’t handle any more from the world of the asshats right now.