There are tons of right-wing Christian bullshit artists out there. And then there’s Cindy Jacobs. She’s not just a bullshit artist. Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, she’s a full-fledged crackpot Christian nut cake. I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone like Cindy and her sidekick husband, Mike. They aren’t just out there to make sure you do the right thing. No sir. They’re actual prophets. Don’t find many bona fide prophets around every day. God speaks to Cindy. She is privy to the messages behind inclement weather and national disasters. And she’s done some amazing things in God’s name.

For example, Cindy has fed 3,000 people with just three loaves of bread. I shit you not. And, if that isn’t amazing enough, the bread was as big at the end of the feeding frenzy as it was in the beginning. WTF was it? Some kind of virtual feeding? I mean, there’s no need to fret over world hunger anymore. Cindy is the solution. She could probably feed half the Horn of Africa from a box of brownies, and she and Mike can have the last two with ice cream. Drought? No sweat. A couple of bottles of Poland Spring should do the trick. All I know is that I’m hiring Cindy next holiday season. Bet I can save a shitload of money feeding the relatives.

Cindy’s got the inside track with Jesus. That’s no joke. Did you know that those 5,000 birds that fell out of the sky dead as door nails in Arkansas met an untimely demise because we had the temerity to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Whoa. I had no idea. And, Cindy tells us that the earthquake in DC wasn’t just a natural disaster. It was the earth “groaning” because it’s time for these people to get out of their churches and preach the gospel. And here I was thinking there’s some kind of foolish scientific explanation for these things. But then again, who listens to crackpot scientists. Right?

She also had some kind of ‘vision’ or something when she saw what happened in Japan to the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear reactor. According to Cindy, that “thing that tried to happen there” is going to happen here if we keep trying to divide Israel. Shows how naive I am! Here I was thinking that it could happen in the good old United States because we have some of those badly designed and maintained General Electric nuclear power plants. Let’s not mess with Israel. Hey, if they say it’s time to bomb Iran, let’s just do it. Better a nuclear holocaust over there than over here. Oh, Cindy, I have just one little quibble with what you’re saying. It didn’t try to happen in Japan. It did happen in Japan. Maybe they’ve been serving up some bad sushi. You know what they say: Payback’s a bitch.

Cindy’s got prophecies for the Philippines. The Philippines are going to rise up and be a land of incredible wealth. She’s got prophecies for the United States. In fact, the Lord has corrupt politics and activist judges in His cross hairs. He’s ready to put the hammer down. In fact, the Lord told Cindy that there’s going to be a third-party  in American politics whose origin will be in the church. I can hardly wait.

Like I said earlier, Cindy has done some amazing things in God’s name. She is the master of casting out all kinds of demons…homosexuality, bisexuality, perversion, you name it. Not only is she a prophet, but she’s a freakin’ exorcist. I can’t wait for the movie! I loved the original. If that isn’t enough, she actually prevented two (not just one!) African coups.

But hands down the most amazing thing Cindy has done is actually reversed a hysterectomy for a woman in California. Do you believe that? According to Cindy, all she did was wave her hands while speaking knowledgeable words and the miracle happened. The woman went to the doctor because she was feeling ‘odd.’ Low and behold, God had replaced all the woman’s parts and she had a child.

Now, I know you’ve probably been enraptured (no pun intended) watching these videos, and I don’t blame you one bit because this woman is certifiable. There’s no question that she believes her own juju. The scariest thing is that there are some people out there who also believe her juju.