You know, aside from being an asshat of major proportions, it’s no wonder Mitt Romney has had difficulty gaining traction in the 2012 presidential elections. Fact is, the Mormons are just plain loco with this whole ‘baptism by proxy’ thing. When I read up on this little Mormon phenomenon, all I could picture was the clown car I used to see when we made the family visit to the Barnum & Bailey Circus. You know the one. The car that rides around in a circle under the Big Top with all these clowns squeezing horns and acting like fools. What do Mahatma Gandhi, Anne Frank, George Washington, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama’s mother, and Adolph Hitler have in common? I can’t find one freakin’ thing except that they’ve all been posthumously baptized by the Mormons. Why do they do this? Because the Mormons believe that people must go through a number of ordinances to reach the Celestial Kingdom of heaven. And that includes being baptized and confirmed as a member of the Mormon church (or all bets are off, folks).

Okay, so some people say it’s harmless. To me, it smacks of attitude. Look, I have a hard enough time wrapping my head around organized religion. Am I supposed to believe that the Mormons are God’s chosen people? Am I supposed to believe that becoming a member of the LDS church is my ticket to heaven? Holy Mother of Pearl. Apparently, they can’t get enough of Anne Frank. They’ve baptized her ten times now, once in February 2012 (in the Santo Domingo Temple in the Dominican Republic, no less)… and nine times between 1989 and 1999. The Mormons really want to send Anne Frank to the Celestial Kingdom of heaven. I don’t know how you view it, but I think that dying in Bergen Belsen death camp in 1945 at the age of 15 in the middle of the Holocaust might qualify her for heaven without the help of the Mormons. You’ve got to give the Mormons points for persistence because they keep at it in spite of the fact that they signed an agreement with Jewish leaders in 1995 to cease and desist baptizing all Jews unless they are direct ancestors of Mormons. They really pissed the Jews off when they submitted Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel’s name for baptism. Posthumous proxy baptism is supposed to be for those who are deceased. Wiesel is still alive. If that wasn’t bad enough, the crazy Mormons went ahead and performed posthumous baptisms of Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal’s parents. Never mind attacking Iran. I think Israel is going to bomb Utah if this doesn’t stop. Who’s driving the clown car? 

The crazy Mormons have not only pissed off the Jews. They’ve pissed off relatives of Mahatma Gandhi as well as a host of Hindu activists because they posthumously baptized Gandhi. The Hindus feel that the Mormons are changing someone’s religion after they’re dead, in secret, without anyone being able to speak for that person. That may sound absurd, but that is what they’re doing. According to Gandhi’s grandson, his grandfather was against proselytising of any kind, believing that people have a right to choose their own religion. Wow. What a novel approach to spirituality. A religious leader that isn’t interested in forcing dogma down the throats of others.

Now, according to the Mormons, this whole changing of religion issue is no big deal because the dead person can refuse the help. Yeah. Okay. You know, in other words, Anne Frank and Mahatma Gandhi are the ‘Deciders’ (in the immortal words of a former president whose name we shall not mention). Hell, they don’t have to be saved. They can stay in the netherworld if they so choose. Because they can’t be saved unless they become Mormons.

Interestingly enough, while I was researching this piece, I found out that the Mormons also posthumously baptized Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter who was kidnapped and murdered by terrorists in Pakistan in 2002, on June 1, 2011 in a temple in Twin Falls, Idaho. I mean, seriously, poor Daniel Pearl was already kidnapped once. Can a guy get a break?

Pearl’s parents had this reaction:

“To them we say, we appreciate your good intentions but rest assured that Danny’s soul was redeemed through the life that he lived and the values that he upheld,” the Pearls told the newspaper in an email. “He lived as a proud Jew, died as a proud Jew and is currently facing his creator as a Jew, blessed, accepted and redeemed. For the record, let it be clear: Danny did not choose to be baptized, nor did his family consent to this uncalled-for ritual.”

I’m wondering what it takes to get the well-intentioned (and slightly crazy) Mormons to ‘get it.’ The Jewish people simply don’t like the idea of having their people hijacked to the Celestial Kingdom. Hell, they’re God’s chosen people.

I admit I’m a bit nervous about all of this. Here’s the deal: I’m a lesbian. According to the Mormons, we gay people are going to be heterosexual once we hit the Celestial Kingdom. Shit, I’ll have no idea what to do with that.  Haven’t they done enough damage here to my people by helping out with Prop 8? I’m nervous because, apparently, many of my ancestors on my dad’s side intermingled with Mormons in Salt Lake City. I’m hoping I’m not famous enough to be kidnapped to the Celestial Kingdom, where I’ll have to be heterosexual. Know what I mean?